If one were to pick my brain, a sense of confusion would definitely sweep over him/her. My thought process is strange and the jumbled mess, that is my feelings, should never find their way to words because there is no way to vocally express my feelings and thoughts. And yet I try to do so anyway through writing because writing somehow makes everything easier. My thoughts flow smoothly from my mind to my fingers tips in a way that surprises even me. I could only wish this were true for the path from my mind to my mouth.
I realized a long time ago after many failed attempts to speak what’s on my mind, that it’s best not speak at all and to merely listen and observe. Thankfully, this has served me well. I have become a vital listener to many who just needed someone to sit down and listen to them so that they could feel heard. I have felt honored to be in this position though it has been rough occasionally. Taking on the burdens of others can be tiring and emotionally exhausting and yet I don’t mind at all. I have felt my sense of purpose through just being there for people and being that person who won’t judge and give unwanted opinions but to just sit and listen and feel for them. And I miss having that position.
Now, I’m at the bottom looking up to find someone to listen to me and hear me. I have been fortunate enough to have a few people in my high school life that listened to me, cared about me, and loved me for me. I’m now in college and most everyone is older than me and more experienced at life than I am. But it is finding that perfect person that will be even remotely close to any of the four people who walked with me step by step through my junior and senior year of high school. But everything is different here in this new place.
I’m in a place where deep friendships are made over time…lot’s of time. I was always used to making friends in an instant and in a shared interest that reaches deeper than the weather. I love deep conversations and getting to the heart of a person. Being a TCK, what we didn’t have was, time. So, we made friends as quickly as possible, and our conversations became meaningful and to-the-heart real quick. It would only take an hour or two for me to make a life long friend whether we would still be together the next year or not. We didn’t know what the future held for us so we grasped on to each other and opened up our hearts because we wanted a sense of friendship that only time would give if we were anybody else but TCKs.
Heaven knows I want to feel that way again: loved for all of who I am. I have friends now…great friends and people I love dearly but they are friends not in the sense of the word I’m used too. No one has even showed that much interest in me yet…heart to heart interest. I suppose it is partially my fault for shying away from friendships that didn’t get deep within the first few meetings. I got scared because all we talked about was the weather and our likes and dislikes. We talked about coffee and tv shows and the next get-to-gether. And to be honest, it drove me insane sometimes, because I wanted to talk about more than just that! I can’t say I changed the subject in a conversation out of nowhere to ask a deep question. It would be going against my very personality to do that. I’m also frightened by the possible responses that person could give. The fear ranges from them totally blowing me off and getting pissed to them being totally weirded out and never talking to me again. These fears were instilled in me because of a class I took my senior year which told me that, “Americans may not act well to you prying into their personal lives when you only have ‘just met’ them.” I acknowledge that may fears may be extreme, unrealistic, and over the top. It has nothing to do with the people but me and this fear that is hard to conquer.
I often find myself in those intense moments when I long with all my being to have that friend right there with me when I need him/her the most so that I can have a shoulder to cry on. But I know I don’t…not yet. I figured out that I must wait and be patient. I must go along with the system and take the steps to form these friendships I want in this new culture. Waiting is the hardest thing to do, especially when you are me. I like to think I’m a patient person, but I know that is only true in some instances. This…this is one of the hardest struggles I have faced yet.
There are people I have found that I naturally hit it off very well with. I respect a lot of people but then there are those people who I respect so much and trust with my whole heart. Occasionally, I barely even know these people and hardly ever talk to them but they just have this personality and vibe that attracts me to them. I’ve met a couple of girls like that but most of them have been guys. Possibly because I have been so fortunate enough to have 3 father figures (besides my own loving dad) in my life and a best friend who had a huge impact on my life. These guys all fit a certain personality or two. One characteristic being that they are all exhaustively sarcastic and their pun game, overwhelmingly strong. They are all on the brink of being all jokes and nothing serious. But it is just that fact that makes me trust them so much. Don’t ask me why or how but it just happens to be that way. It takes no time for me to become friends with them. But those kinds of friends are rare even in the TCK world.
All my other friendships had started off slow at first but then we clicked somewhere along the way. There is a range of time it took but most of them I had a chance to share my story with and we got to discuss life and our philosophies. It was fairly quick that I got these chances compared to the chances I have yet to be presented with here. I’m at that point now where I don’t have any of those really special friendships here (because again, they are rare.) and I’m just waiting for my current friendships to dive below the surface. I’m just waiting both friendships to happen.
As my time here is nearing the end of the semester, I panicked because it didn’t take this long in high school for me to form those close friendships. I lost it and it was downhill from there and I fell once again into that pit of depression that I tried so hard to avoid. I couldn’t help myself this time. I became super tired of everything and I found myself going to sleep at night with tears in my eyes and waking up the next morning asking myself, “why am I still here?” It was bad and I’m still trying to snuff these feelings out because they give me anxiety about everything, and they are over exaggerated and just overall negative. I want to hold on to hope and stay positive. I thought maybe I feel this way because I’m not depending on God totally and trusting that He puts people in my life for different reasons and there is a reason why I haven’t got those friendships I want now. I’m simply desperate and He is telling me to depend on Him for He is that one Friend that will never leave me or forsake me. When I am alone I can run to Him and when I do I will be free of all that weighs me down.
So, I’ll wait on the Lord and be patient. I won’t run away from the growing friendships I have now but pursue them because that is what He would want me to do. My instinct is to run away so I need to make a habit of staying put and trusting Him. It’s hard and I’m scared but I’m making progress. I got to share a part of my testimony to the girls in my BCM family just last night and that was kind of relieving because now they know that part of me. This is an example of God’s goodness towards me now and how He is providing for me even in my time of doubt. And I don’t believe for one second that He will stop providing for me in the future days to come.