Tuesday, Feb 14 2017
Nothing in this world hurts more than to see someone you love slowly slip away without you ever telling them how you feel about them. I’m no stranger to love. I wish I couldn’t feel it when I do and I wish I did when I don’t. It is a war inside of me that I despise with my entirety. I only loved a couple of times in my life. Loved as in really loved. My heart was all in. This was when I didn’t have a choice whether I should or shouldn’t love. I just…did. And it really hurt like hell because I knew it would end badly and I knew I could never have the person I loved. I had no particular reason for thinking that but I knew how these things turn out in the real world for people like me: the quiet ones, the ones too afraid to speak up, the ones who can’t find the words. It’s nothing like the dreams in my head and the silly love stories on my mind.
Thursday, Feb 16 2017
Overpriced coffee in the middle of the afternoon. Finished an uncomfortable sociology class, cringing at the thought of what my professor said. Sums up that class. Never mind that though. I’m in a good mood. My aesthetic is this place. Simple. Wainscot wood paneling with gaps in between and held to the wall with rusty nails. Photo frames hang sparsely on one wall, and a giant world map on the other. A narrow room brightly lit by the setting winter sun. Listening to a deep conversation about God and the Church from a table just a couple of yards away. A mother with her curly head kid in a stroller having a chat with a college student in a bright red sweater. I could describe a number of other details about how much I love this place as I wait for a friend to come meet me here for coffee. I can’t help but feel content.
Friday, Feb 17 2017
As normal I dreaded going outside of my dorm much less my room in search of food. I had just been laying in bed exhausted from the day and wanting to sleep but couldn’t. It was just before sunset that I decided to go out to find something to eat and to restock on tissues. Today, the weather was absolutely wonderful! It was 60° out and almost non-existent winds, unlike the days before where I would almost fall over going to class.
I swung open the door ready to face whatever socializing I had to do. As I walked I was filled with inspiration and a strange type of happiness that only comes from observing the world around you. I met the smell of barbecue from two hooded guys obviously ready for the summer to begin. Walked passed some people in shorts. Observed a group of guys throwing around a white frisbee in a clearing nearby and a couple walking their dog. In the distance I could see an outdoor basketball court finally being used again. I made my stops and got what I needed and headed back. A strange group of maybe 40 people were meeting outside a dining hall. What was strange was that they weren’t all college students but some were parents and elderly people. That made me happy. I love to see a non-college student demographic every once in a while. Sun was still setting but no one stopped what they were doing. I think everyone would have liked the sun to stay out an hour more on a day like this. More people had come out to toss neon frisbees and I saw a girl with a pink bouquet in her hand entering her dormitory. All these things are beautiful to me. It makes me think that the world is okay.
Saturday, Feb 25 2017
Sunlight trickles through the two windows in my room. I shut off the overhead light because only natural light is welcome here. Jonny Diaz on repeat and sweet instrumental music that brings nothing but peace to my heart is playing in my ears. I got up this morning with no plans but a stomach that craved attention. I had been eating less and less lately and my appetite had gone somewhere I do not know. The mere thought of food sometimes makes me sick…a real problem I know. Especially since food is #life. Today, I just listened to gospel music and ate fruit and nachos because i was feeling that combination. I fought back the feelings of the night before and the lies that keep trying to entangle my heart. Truly, I believe the devil makes the smallest problems in my life seem like huge issues when I know they aren’t. Tonight I’m going to vtONE which is supposed to be really good I heard. Basically, all the campus ministries get together and we just worship, pray, and listen to a speaker all as one body of Christ. It will be great and I’m excited which is surprising to me because usually for anything social I get so worked up and anxious at this point. But God’s peace really is peaceful and He shares it with whomever asks for it.
I scroll through Tumblr looking at pictures of Manhattan and coffee shops. Feeling all the good vibes. Finally painted my nails after avoiding it for like a month just because I have been too lazy. Still sipping on my coffee I made with my drip over thing-a-majig. It’s cold now but the flavour is still there. I wish I could keep these good feelings in for as long as possible. I wish I don’t have to let them go. I want to always feel this way.
Sunday, Feb 26 2017
Sunday is the day I wake up, get dressed in my best, and walk briskly in the cold to church. My church meets in a small auditorium like theatre. I was greeted by an overwhelming amount of people at the door which was quite a shock. There aren’t quite this many greeters usually. I think I should have spilled my coffee out of shock. Yes, I said should. But I kept my cool and church today was great as it is every Sunday. The love I feel there is real.
After church I had a chat with my brother and his friends who have become my friends. My brother picked me up from my dorm later and we drove to a friend’s house to have a team meeting. This was my first time attending an It Happens Here team meeting. I’ve been so interested and intrigued though for a while. It is an anti-human trafficking awareness and fundraising non-profit organization here, that I was looking at joining for awhile because I had been a part of an anti-human trafficking club in high school. My heart aches for this issue and I want it to continue to ache until the day I die or God through us and people fighting human trafficking grants freedom to all the enslaved.
Tonight, I went to movie night at a friend’s house which I think should be a club by now because it is such a normal thing. Sunday nights at 9 (or whenever we all get there). We watched the first half of Return of the King the extended version. It is a great movie but the commentary we give is what makes it all the more fun. My friend next to me said I should create a YouTube channel with another friend there and it should just be commentary videos of all the Lord of the Rings. It was actually a genius idea and I would do it if it didn’t require so much effort. I know I will always treasure these nights and all the good memories they hold.