I am a very different version of me.
It’s crazy how much I’ve grown from 2016 till now.
I’m more…me. Is that too cliche to say?
College really does inspire growth…or deterioration depending on who you are. For me, it was both. It was God taking everything away from me so that I only had Him. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced and that’s saying something. You really don’t know what you have till it’s taken away: family, friends, comfort, home, familiarity, and everything that you’ve ever known. This lasted an entire school year. Just imagine. Mentally I struggled to the point of me having to seek medical and psychological help. There is a long story to that, but don’t worry about that. But ultimately they had no power to heal me in the way I needed. I was forced to depend on God. It was the most painful lesson He has ever taught me but it was also the most powerful lesson.
Friends are a blessing. Friends are an extra bonus in life.
You don’t need friends. You only NEED God.
This changed everything for me because I naturally seek out relationships just like anyone else. But personally, I depend on them way too much. I came thinking, I need to make friends, I need to form a structure and comfortable community of people. (I mean, who doesn’t go into college subconsciously thinking the same thing?) But the fact was, I couldn’t find that no matter how hard I looked and worked for relationships and friendships; at least, not the friendships and relationships I was used too. The dynamics of American friendships are extremely different than what I was used too being a TCK and everything. Because I couldn’t find that, I was extremely lonely and isolated. God again was my only Friend and the only One who actually knew me. Only a couple of people (including my brother) actually cared enough to ask me how I really was. I was not doing okay and I only wanted someone to care genuinely. Was that too much to ask for? I always asked myself that. And I’ve never been mad at God before in my life but this year, I was for a while because I didn’t understand what I had done to deserve this isolation and I didn’t understand what He was trying to teach me. It wasn’t until the beginning of summer He made it very clear what it was he was trying to teach me. It was honestly one of those “duh” *facepalm* moments where I was like, “Why did I not understand and get this before?!” Turns out the one other person who cared enough to listen to me played an extremely important (painful) part in that. Coming to the end of that friendship was the best thing that happened at the end of all this.
I’ve had a lot of other things happen intertwined in all of this that would create a 5000 word essay that I’m sure no one wants to read and I know I don’t want to write. But once lesson learned, God gave me friends: real solid to-the-heart friends. (y’all know who you are…i.e. the darjeelings) I couldn’t have asked for a better group of girls who took me under their wings and actually care about me and have given me the closest thing to a home here than anyone else. Absolutely and whole-heartedly grateful to God for them. I also finally found a Bible study where I felt like I was finally learning something and we were all on the same page as far as faith growing goes. Such a huge blessing and I’m extremely thankful. I can’t say that enough.
This new school year was also the start of my new art major. And it was not a graceful start in any sense of the word. Nooo. They threw us in with loads of projects. I was sleep deprived the first week of classes. Second week was ehh. Third week was a little better and I finally have time to write something for my blog. Also, I am deeply and emotionally invested with a couple of Kpop groups. That should, at this point, be no surprise to anyone because I post quite a bit about it on several of my Instagram accounts. And this month has been crazy!! For example: iKON’s 2nd anniversary was yesterday (they are my favorite group), my favorite artist Bobby dropped his first solo album on the 14th, EXO came back with a repackaged album, BTS serendipity Intro dropped with all the teasers and their comeback album comes out on Monday, and Jongdae’s birthday is on the 21st and he’s my bias in EXO. Y’all probably have no idea what all this means. That’s totally fine. I don’t expect you too. But if you have ever been an actual multi-fandom fangirl/fanboy, you know what a load this is and how busy it keeps you and how emotional it can be. IT’S A LOT OF WORK! But back to art, I am taking a drawing class, a new media class, and a design class. All three are 3 hr long classes….It gets really tiring at the end of each. Between classes I have my online World Regions class which is really interesting and I love it, but there is so much work to do in this class: 5-6 quizzes a week with their book chapters and video lectures with them. I also have astronomy class. I basically have 8-9 hour long days and after projects to work on. Plus, I have a job and a social life. Busy, busy, busy. I’m not complaining, because I love everything I’m doing! Sleep and food are not prioritized anymore which is not that great of a thing but ya know. I’m still alive.
I’ve started a bullet journal/ kpop journal which keeps me on track and helps me process things which is nice. I’m not very good at keeping journals and planning is tedious for me but this has been going very well and having a theme for it is very helpful. I also have a penpal which is super fun and it’s been nice talking to her.
DISCLAIMER: I just want to say, that I know people are a little confused why and how I got into kpop (more concerned with my Korean friends) 1) I got into kpop before I met y’all so I don’t want to hear anything about it. 2) I stopped for 3 years because I was too busy for it 3) I didn’t get into it again because it’s cool. (now I think it’s cool and that’s why I stick with it) But I actually got into it because I didn’t know how influenced I was by my Korean dorm sisters until at the end of my first semester in college. I went to my academic advisor and he commented on how “Korean/asian girl” I was. (NOT MEANT TO BE A RACIST REMARK) I took it as a compliment because I was and am very asian. Of course with everything that happened this year, I lost a lot of who I was and being afraid of becoming like my college American peers (no offense I just really like who I am) I desperately tried to grasp something very asian to keep my very asian heart alive. And the easiest and most familiar way was kpop so there ya go. And in the process that brought alive my inner fangirl too which I had also lost. It’s crazy how that worked out. But it works with my aesthetic especially since I’m going into graphic design. I’m intrigued mostly with their packaging for albums and things. They are simply genius when it comes to design and aesthetic. America needs to step up their game.
Enough said. Hate to bore you. But I’ll give more updates and post more later on.